"That Guy" At Your Home Poker Game

Times have most definitely changed.

The sound of balls being ripped off aluminum bats or the swish of a 15 footer going in nothing but net has been replaced by the shuffling of card decks and twirling of chips. The term “check raise” has taken the place of “ghost runner.” What used to be a game of sandlot baseball or pickup basketball is now poker for this generation. My generation.

It’s pitiful...really…I mean even watching it on television is captivating. Norman Chad has become the new Jack Buck. Even those that don’t enjoy the game tune in, if for nothing else than to understand why the hell everyone else likes it so much.

One thing ESPN should do however, is televise ordinary home games. Take away the pros for once and just catch a bunch of guys sitting at a kitchen table playing a low stakes, one table tournament.

Regular people trying to imitate what they see on TV. That’s where the real characters are.

Live blogging a card game would just kill my street cred, and maybe get me beat up, so I didn’t take it that far but I came up with a list of people you need at your home game. If you can relate to any of these, you’re probably a total clown, but I’d love to laugh at you on television. If you can’t, well, you’re more respectable than I am.

Guy that wears sunglasses
Man, that lamp you’re sitting next to must really be bright. I think you’re getting sunburned. Seriously, you should kill yourself if you’re wearing sunglasses. It’s not like any of the people you’re playing with want to look at your pupils to see if you’re bluffing anyway.

Guy that says all-in every hand
I’m not even talking about the guy that raises all-in every hand. I mean the guy that mucks his cards and then sees the flop and says it. And he doesn’t do it once either. Like that has the slight chance of being humorous. Nope he does it every five hands until everyone wants to punch him in the face.

Guy that thinks that he’s a pro
He’s probably wearing sunglasses and listening to his iPod, waiting to yell at someone for calling his raises with marginal hands. The problem with “pro guy” is that it seems like the only pro he’s trying to be is Phil Helmuth – meaning he’s just waiting to lose and cry.

Guy that legitimately needs to win the 50 dollar prize
Sure he had the $10 dollar buy in, but if he loses, he isn’t going to be able to buy lunch or beer at the end of the week. That’s the closest thing you’ll see to a degenerate before it goes from amusing to downright sad.


Guy that reads poker books and refers to the pros as if he knows them.
“Doyle would have played that hand, but I don’t think Chan would have.” It’s nice to see teenagers reading, but when it’s about how to gamble better, I feel like it’s not that healthy.

Guy that says his “style” is playing every hand
You’ll spot this guy quick. He’ll be the first person to bust someone with his “favorite hand.” It will probably be something like 4-5, black off suit and he’ll he think, “Man I always gotta play that hand.”

Guy that say “but they were suited.”
He calls raises with anything suited, or connected for that matter, and then hits. This is probably the guy who wins often, and at the same time the last guy you want to invite because he’s probably a prick.

Guy that doesn’t want to play
He only plays because the rest of his friends play and probably says he doesn’t like poker because “it’s boring and he’s not patient enough.” He also spends most of the game text messaging his girl friend and is probably the only one of the group with the chance of getting laid later that night.