It’s that time of the year again. The time when England 2.0 invades the motherland and tries to force our version of football on the unsophisticated British, who don’t much care for the booze, breasts and broken bones we root for every week each fall.
Oh wait. The Brits are human too?
That’s not what American sportswriters are telling us across the ocean. Almost unanimously, the media is against the NFL going global, mostly because they believe the rest of the world has no interest in the forward pass or our silly penalties, which result in a watered-down version of rugby.
I call bullshit.
What’s not to like about making an all-day event out of a two-and-a-half hour game? Aren’t the British as proud of their drinking ability as they are of their healthcare system? So you start with the tailgate and go from there. By the time anyone heads into the stadium, you’re so drunk you really don’t care what you’re about to watch. Ask the majority of college students over here who only attend football games so they can play beer pong for breakfast. The actual game is secondary.
Or maybe thirdary. We also run half-naked women out there just in case you get bored watching giant men run into other giant men. The benefits are two-fold. The men in the stands get to watch a live peepshow and the women get to watch acrobatic excellence. Both sides enjoy the performance.
Of course, you can also appreciate the game if you’re so inclined. What’s better than seeing some nancy boy quarterback getting crushed as he tries to run away from the defense? You can enjoy both sides. The hitting, which all men love, and the retreating, which the British know a little something about.
We haven’t even got to the best part yet. The gambling. The sole reason football has become the most popular sport in the United States. This is right up any Englishman’s alley, seeing as how there are more betting parlors in London than medical marijuana shops in Los Angeles.
You can pretty much bet on every aspect of a football game, including the score. See that’s where Americans get a bad rap. The rest of the world thinks we are obsessed with points, but that is only partially true.
Half of us like to bet the under.
And just wait until fantasy sports takes over the rest of world.
I’m convinced this football thing can work anywhere and everywhere. As it turns out, there are far more heavyset people throughout the world than there are seven footers, yet everyone still seems to have taken kindly to basketball. Football is far more inclusive.
Just don’t mention the head injuries…