Viewer's Guide to the Olympics

The winter Olympic opening ceremonies are today and we (and by we, I mean I) couldn’t be more excited. These Olympics provide people with something to watch after the Super Bowl and before March madness. Honestly, they should take place every year.

The winter games are fun because they are very straightforward. For the most part, they are easy to understand and they all bring back vivid childhood memories.

For example, everyone goes skating when they are kids. You take a date there, you try to not bust your ass. It’s a great time. The first time you ski is usually at young age as well. You get to the top of the hill, you cry, you fall, you break bones, you cry again. What’s better than that? Then you’ve got sled riding. Pity those kids down south that never get to fly down hills on days school is canceled.

And that’s the winter Olympics. Skate, ski, sled. It’s that simple.

The only difference between Olympic competitors and children is balance. Kids have poor coordination while adults can stand up on slippery surfaces. That’s all it is.

Bottom line: We can relate to these games.

It’s time to watch when…
Hockey is on. It’s always the most entertaining sport. It’s fun to watch the American media try and recreate the miracle on ice, as no one is giving Team USA a shot to win gold. Most don’t think they will even medal. Without really knowing who plays for who, I’ll say Canada beats Sweden for the gold and Russia takes the bronze.

Have you ever seen a once and a lifetime thing and then just waited for it to happen again? That’s women’s figure skating. We won’t ever see that Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding saga happen again but we can still hope. It will be interesting to see if Michelle Kwan can continue her roll as the Peyton Manning of ice skating.

Curling. Such a silly game. A little shuffle board, a little bocce, a little chess and a baseball-like scoreboard. This is one of your closet watches – meaning you don’t want anyone to know you actually saw it, kind of like a strongman competition.

It’s time to watch re-runs of Fresh Prince and The Cosby Show when…
They are showing cross country skiing. Who in the world wants to watch cross country skiing? It’s like watching a person walk for an hour. Complete nonsense.

Biathlon. This is cross country skiers practicing their shooting ability. I feel like this is a forced sport. Shooting is a summer sport and skiing is a winter sport. What’s the point in combining the two?

Something to root for...
The Jamaican bobsleigh team. Derice Bannock, Yul Brenner, Sanka Coffie, and Junior Bevil, your favorite characters from Cool Runnings, are back and are just looking to improve. Let’s all hope they make it back to the beautiful islands unscathed.

On a real note, make sure you watch some of these games. The Olympics are the purest form of athletics in the world today and these people work hard for four years for this moment knowing that within two weeks, they will be forgotten.

Give them their due. They deserve it.